wellness – Empty Glass; Full Life

No Pain, No Gain

I haven’t written in a while. I’d love to say it’s because I was on vacation or something equally exciting, but the fact is, I have been struggling. Not in an “I need support” kind of way, but in an “I’m having a blip in my otherwise joyful alcohol-free life” kind of way.

It started with a conversation in which I was asked if I thought I’d ever drink again, once I am past the triggers that led to my increased alcohol intake in the first place (divorce, the stress of single motherhood, and job loss). The only one still in the picture is single motherhood and that’s going to be a factor for a long while. In my mind, I had stopped for good, but had I ever said that out loud? It made me think. I wasn’t a textbook alcoholic, but I certainly abused alcohol and used it for the wrong reasons. I was, by all definitions, a heavy drinker for many years. And while there is some appeal to the idea of being able to pick up a glass of wine in a few years and it being non-issue, it’s hard to imagine doing so successfully. I’ve tried many times to moderate my intake and failed miserably. There’s no reason to believe history wouldn’t repeat itself.

Combine the above with the inevitable winter doldrums and my youngest child going through a challenging phase and I’ll admit I had brief moments of “Should I?” “Would I?” “Could I?” The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I wanted it. But the thoughts were quickly replaced with the knowledge of how it would make me feel. Wine/booze/beer actually doesn’t taste that great when you haven’t drunk it in a long while. The taste/smell of the alcohol itself is very strong and undesirable (imagine your first whiff/taste – remember?). You have to reacquire your taste for it. Secondly, it gives me a headache and makes me feel sluggish and useless. I don’t sleep as well. And I often forget details that happened after a night of drinking – which, to a detail-oriented person like me is particularly frustrating. Lastly, I truly am happier without it in my life. I have no weight on my shoulders and am free to feel gratitude and joy on a daily basis, rather than all the negatives and depressive qualities that alcohol supplies.

When it came down to it, there wasn’t much I could look forward to when imagining having a drink. Fortunately, this squelched any desire.

So, at nearly 6 months since my last drink, I remain alcohol-free and happy with that choice. At the same time, I realize it’s not always going to be sunshine and roses. There will be times when out of the blue alcohol will come to mind. I may be coasting along, perfectly content, with alcohol far from my mind and then it’ll hit me. But I think it’s good to dig deep and reaffirm your reasons every so often.

To your health,

My Rocky Relationship with Alcohol, Part III

Looking back, I think the worst part and what I am most grateful to be rid of is the space alcohol occupied in my brain. When I began to realize I was consuming more than was healthy for me, I was constantly berating myself and making deals with myself.

When I created this blog, I wanted first and foremost to share with anyone who struggles with alcohol and dreads giving it up, that life without it is actually good; really good. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s better than without. But in order to share all the good, I thought it wise to share the bad… as in, what led me to this point.

In previous posts, I already covered my early drinking days and what initially drove me to become a heavy consumer…then what happened after my intake began to increase (higher tolerance, food bingeing, weight gain). Looking back, I think the worst part and what I am most grateful to be rid of is the space alcohol occupied in my brain. When I began to realize I was consuming more than was healthy for me, I was constantly berating myself and making deals with myself. “I won’t drink tonight.” “I’ll only have 1 glass tonight.” “I’ll try drinking only on weekends.” And on and on and on. That in itself took up loads of time and energy. But on top of that, there were the questions of what time I would start, what I would drink, what to buy, how much to buy. If I knew If I was going to a friend’s house, should I bring wine? What would be a reasonable amount to drink? If I was drinking around other people and there was only a little left in the bottle, would it be okay to finish it? If I finished my glass first, would it be okay to refill it? I didn’t want to outdrink my companions. It was exhausting.

Then there was the next morning: Why did I drink so much? Ugh, I said I wasn’t going to drink and I did! I can’t believe I had that last glass! I hate myself! I’m disgusted with myself!

Of course, there was also the inevitable question: Am I an alcoholic?

There was a lot of Googling the topic, self-tests, and ultimately patting myself on the back if I “wasn’t that bad” or if I read an article claiming a bottle of wine a day was fine (it’s not).

When you remove alcohol from your life, your mind is free and you are in control. Before I ever took a drink at the age of 18, I was a fun, silly, likable young woman, full of life. I remember being at parties in high school and being offered alcohol. I’d always think, “If I’m having this much fun without alcohol, why bother?” And I would decline. It wasn’t until college that curiosity got the best of me.

I feel like my old self again. I can have fun without alcohol. I can be the life of the party without alcohol. And best of all, I feel free from the grips of what I realize now was an addiction. I am so grateful and proud of myself for kicking the habit before it got the best of me in ways I shudder to imagine.

Until next time… I hope if you have read this and are struggling, you stick with me.

To your health!

Fifty

Today, I turned 50. I celebrate this day in a way I never have before… with a newfound gratitude toward life since giving up alcohol over 4 months ago. I was a regular and heavy drinker for decades… alcohol played a hugely important role in my life. But over time, I realized it was beginning to take over my life, and that simply was not okay.

So, I stopped. (And started. And stopped. And started.) This time, for good. Much to my surprise, I have come to realize with each passing day just how great life can be without alcohol. When you drink regularly, alcohol becomes a crutch. But, I’m 50 now! The big 5-0. I don’t need a crutch! I am strong and wise and able to stand on my own two feet without numbing myself on a daily basis. We all are, regardless of our age.

I have learned through social media that the world is full of folks like me. Folks who are perhaps not physically dependent on alcohol but who feel an emotional need for it. Folks for whom the idea of going without is not only terrifying but completely undesirable. I was that person. Yet, here I am leading a happy, healthy, whole life all on my own without the need for alcohol. It’s not about willpower; it’s about no longer needing it… no longer desiring it. It’s about embracing this beautiful life with its ups AND its downs.

I never thought it possible, yet here I am. I am so thrilled with the benefits of going without alcohol that I want to share it with the world. I want to be a cheerleader telling anyone who will listen, “You CAN do this! You will not regret it and you WILL be happy! Keep at it!! I have faith in you!”

This blog is intended to be a place of joy. I have no intention of downplaying the struggle it can take to get here, but the goal is to make it to the ultimate destination: a joyful life without alcohol! I want to focus on that.

In health & wellness,