Empty Glass; Full Life

Shared Words to Inspire

Today I share the words of my favorite poet, Mary Oliver. Do they mean anything to you and your life? Thinking back to where I was about a year ago, what she conveys in this poem sums it up perfectly. I knew what I needed to do and knew it was time. All I had then was my own mind and my own resolve. I actually just discovered this poem today. Perhaps it will have an impact on someone out there who needs a bit of wisdom to inspire a profound life change.

To your health,

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.

My Single Greatest Benefit of Giving up Alcohol

I had given up on this blog for a while. It seemed fruitless: no longer as therapeutic as it was in the beginning (since I am doing so well), and reaching only a small audience. But recently a friend and mentor encouraged me to continue, saying there are people, particularly women, who need this perspective. Women who may have had similar experiences to mine, whether with anxiety, divorce, alcohol abuse… or all three. So, with this in mind I have decided to continue with the blog.

I have now been living without alcohol for 258 days, or 8.5 months. I’ve been asked to name the single most positive outcome of this lifestyle change. There are so many, it’s hard to choose but I think the greatest benefit has been the mental freedom. Thoughts of alcohol consumed me for so long. By that, I don’t mean simply anticipating my next drink. Oh, no. There is so much more to it, and I’ve learned through social media groups that this is very common with people who drink too much.

Here are examples of how alcohol monopolized my thoughts:

WHY did I drink so much last night?!
This thought process included recounting the number of drinks (oftentimes hard to do) and berating myself over the amount; looking back to see what/who I may have texted or posted on social media; realizing how much food on which I had binged; discovering any mishaps that may have occurred while drinking (e.g. spilling red wine and not having cleaned it up well).

Comparing my drinking to others’
“So-and-so drinks every night. Probably about the same amount I do. And so does this person and that person. It has become the norm! I’m no different than anyone else.”

“But how come so-and-so can stop after only a couple of drinks and I can’t?”

Researching alcoholism and finding articles that support my habit
This thought process would include taking a quiz and realizing I fit the definition of an alcoholic.

“Oh, but wait! This article says drinking a bottle of wine per day is fine and actually *good* for you!”

I’m not going to drink tonight (or I’m only going to have X number of drinks tonight)
This thought process included constant self-reminders throughout the day, trying to keep up my resolve… or, as the day wore on, entertaining thoughts of why I should give in to the temptation. Inevitably, there would eventually be a “f— it” moment when I’d decide it was okay to drink (or drink more than planned).

Getting on the scale and seeing how much weight I’d gained, knowing damn well it was at least partly because of drinking
“Ugh, I’m disgusting! Oh well, might as well continue drinking… no one’s going to want me looking like this anyway.”

I could go on and on. The mental gymnastics are never-ending. But without alcohol in my life, I am calmer, have more clarity, more self-esteem, and gratitude. As a lifelong anxiety-sufferer with obsessive tendencies, I’m used to the mind games. But to have eliminated a major one feels incredibly freeing.

If any of this resonates with you, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! And keep reading… I will continue to share my experience in hopes of helping others.

To your health,

Kim

No Pain, No Gain

I haven’t written in a while. I’d love to say it’s because I was on vacation or something equally exciting, but the fact is, I have been struggling. Not in an “I need support” kind of way, but in an “I’m having a blip in my otherwise joyful alcohol-free life” kind of way.

It started with a conversation in which I was asked if I thought I’d ever drink again, once I am past the triggers that led to my increased alcohol intake in the first place (divorce, the stress of single motherhood, and job loss). The only one still in the picture is single motherhood and that’s going to be a factor for a long while. In my mind, I had stopped for good, but had I ever said that out loud? It made me think. I wasn’t a textbook alcoholic, but I certainly abused alcohol and used it for the wrong reasons. I was, by all definitions, a heavy drinker for many years. And while there is some appeal to the idea of being able to pick up a glass of wine in a few years and it being non-issue, it’s hard to imagine doing so successfully. I’ve tried many times to moderate my intake and failed miserably. There’s no reason to believe history wouldn’t repeat itself.

Combine the above with the inevitable winter doldrums and my youngest child going through a challenging phase and I’ll admit I had brief moments of “Should I?” “Would I?” “Could I?” The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I wanted it. But the thoughts were quickly replaced with the knowledge of how it would make me feel. Wine/booze/beer actually doesn’t taste that great when you haven’t drunk it in a long while. The taste/smell of the alcohol itself is very strong and undesirable (imagine your first whiff/taste – remember?). You have to reacquire your taste for it. Secondly, it gives me a headache and makes me feel sluggish and useless. I don’t sleep as well. And I often forget details that happened after a night of drinking – which, to a detail-oriented person like me is particularly frustrating. Lastly, I truly am happier without it in my life. I have no weight on my shoulders and am free to feel gratitude and joy on a daily basis, rather than all the negatives and depressive qualities that alcohol supplies.

When it came down to it, there wasn’t much I could look forward to when imagining having a drink. Fortunately, this squelched any desire.

So, at nearly 6 months since my last drink, I remain alcohol-free and happy with that choice. At the same time, I realize it’s not always going to be sunshine and roses. There will be times when out of the blue alcohol will come to mind. I may be coasting along, perfectly content, with alcohol far from my mind and then it’ll hit me. But I think it’s good to dig deep and reaffirm your reasons every so often.

To your health,

My Rocky Relationship with Alcohol, Part III

Looking back, I think the worst part and what I am most grateful to be rid of is the space alcohol occupied in my brain. When I began to realize I was consuming more than was healthy for me, I was constantly berating myself and making deals with myself.

When I created this blog, I wanted first and foremost to share with anyone who struggles with alcohol and dreads giving it up, that life without it is actually good; really good. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s better than without. But in order to share all the good, I thought it wise to share the bad… as in, what led me to this point.

In previous posts, I already covered my early drinking days and what initially drove me to become a heavy consumer…then what happened after my intake began to increase (higher tolerance, food bingeing, weight gain). Looking back, I think the worst part and what I am most grateful to be rid of is the space alcohol occupied in my brain. When I began to realize I was consuming more than was healthy for me, I was constantly berating myself and making deals with myself. “I won’t drink tonight.” “I’ll only have 1 glass tonight.” “I’ll try drinking only on weekends.” And on and on and on. That in itself took up loads of time and energy. But on top of that, there were the questions of what time I would start, what I would drink, what to buy, how much to buy. If I knew If I was going to a friend’s house, should I bring wine? What would be a reasonable amount to drink? If I was drinking around other people and there was only a little left in the bottle, would it be okay to finish it? If I finished my glass first, would it be okay to refill it? I didn’t want to outdrink my companions. It was exhausting.

Then there was the next morning: Why did I drink so much? Ugh, I said I wasn’t going to drink and I did! I can’t believe I had that last glass! I hate myself! I’m disgusted with myself!

Of course, there was also the inevitable question: Am I an alcoholic?

There was a lot of Googling the topic, self-tests, and ultimately patting myself on the back if I “wasn’t that bad” or if I read an article claiming a bottle of wine a day was fine (it’s not).

When you remove alcohol from your life, your mind is free and you are in control. Before I ever took a drink at the age of 18, I was a fun, silly, likable young woman, full of life. I remember being at parties in high school and being offered alcohol. I’d always think, “If I’m having this much fun without alcohol, why bother?” And I would decline. It wasn’t until college that curiosity got the best of me.

I feel like my old self again. I can have fun without alcohol. I can be the life of the party without alcohol. And best of all, I feel free from the grips of what I realize now was an addiction. I am so grateful and proud of myself for kicking the habit before it got the best of me in ways I shudder to imagine.

Until next time… I hope if you have read this and are struggling, you stick with me.

To your health!

My Rocky Relationship with Alcohol, Part II

In my last post, I talked about what led to my downfall at the bottom of a bottle. After about twenty years of daily drinking – but not quite heavy drinking – I began a downward spiral when my marriage ended in 2014 and I became a single mom to two young kids. The grief and stress were overwhelming and I turned to wine to ease the pain.

In my last post, I talked about what led to my downfall at the bottom of a bottle. After about twenty years of daily drinking – but not quite heavy drinking – I began a downward spiral when my marriage ended in 2014 and I became a single mom to two young kids. The grief and stress were overwhelming and I turned to wine to ease the pain.

Two years later I was hit by another whammy when, without warning, I was laid off from my job of eleven years. Not surprisingly, this turn of events messed with my self-esteem even further and my drinking shot to a new level. Thankfully, though I was home during the day for eight months while job-searching, I did not get into the habit of daytime drinking (I can only wonder where that would have led me). But come late afternoon, the wine was out and I hit it hard.

Have you ever been in “F*** it” mode? If you have, you know what I’m talking about. “F*** it, I’m going to eat 2 helpings of dessert.” “F*** it, I’m not going to shower today.” ” F*** it, I’m going to order wine with lunch,” “F*** it, I’m going to finish off this bottle of wine I just opened a couple of hours ago.” There are many things that can drive you to F*** it mode, and losing your husband and your job successively are two of them. Of course, not everyone turns to alcohol, but that was my vice.

While all of this was happening, I was gaining weight. I’d always been slim thanks to good genes, eating well, and exercising. Sure, I put on a few pounds in my late 30s as well as after each pregnancy, but I was still at a normal weight for my height. When my shape started to get rounder and rounder, I thought I knew exactly why. It was an easy scapegoat.

When my marriage was crumbling, I started taking an anti-anxiety medication. I had suffered from severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder my entire life, but never effectively addressed it. Since my anxiety was a factor in the demise of my marriage and since the demise of my marriage made my anxiety worse, I decided it was time. I had always shunned the idea of medication, but I knew without it I quite literally might not be able to function.

It helped, immensely. Still does! But it had a known side effect of weight gain. And sure enough, about six months later I noticed my weight gradually increasing. In fact, I wrote about it in a well-received article for the Huffington Post a few years ago. Yet, strangely, at the time, I didn’t consider the other obvious reason for my growing size: The fact that I was consuming roughly 650 calories a day in alcohol (minimum), and while doing so, bingeing on food. It wasn’t unusual at all for me to polish off a bottle of red and raid my kids’ Halloween candy or make some late-night nachos on any given evening. Alcohol gave me the munchies, big time. And my body suffered for it. By now, I was used to being in denial so I blamed it on the meds. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t been drinking at the time. A nominal weight increase, perhaps? I could have lived with that. But 50+ pounds was another story.

I’m realizing this blog is just as much a form of therapy for myself as it is a tool to share with others the joys of life without alcohol. It turns out, my background story is long, so it looks like there will be a Part III to this post. Stay tuned…

To your health!

My Rocky Relationship with Alcohol

If you’re reading this, you most likely are either questioning your drinking habits and looking to turn things around, or you’re a friend of mine. Maybe both.

Today marks my 154th alcohol-free day. I prefer “alcohol-free” to “sober” because to me, “sober” means the opposite of drunk and I was not “a drunk.” More importantly, “alcohol-free” sounds more positive. I have chosen to live my life free of alcohol. I was not forced into it, there was no incident that led to this decision; I simply realized alcohol was becoming a huge detriment to my life, so I stopped drinking it. In the end, it is just semantics and we all choose the words that feel best to us.

So, how did I get here? As with most people, it was a gradual decline. I started drinking daily in my mid- to late- 20s. A couple of glasses on weeknights and more on weekends. Many of my friends had formed the same habits, so there was no reason to question anything. This continued into my late 30s and became so routine that when I got pregnant for the first time, going without seemed daunting. Ugh, 9 months without wine? I was grouchy about it, but excited enough about the baby that I managed to do just fine. Plus, my midwife gave the green light to have a small glass of wine per week after the first trimester, which I relished and enjoyed. The same was true of my second pregnancy.

Within a couple of years after my second child was born (at age 43), my marriage ended. It was unexpected and devastating. Trying to handle my grief while single-parenting a 5-year-old and 2-year-old was difficult at best. In the beginning, I would drink bottles of wine from the wine cellar my ex had given me for my 40th birthday; filled with wines given with love and many of which were marked for special occasions in the future. I’d open them, say, “F*** you!” and drink out of spite. Eventually, I was drinking approximately a bottle a day.

Christmas 2015 I was given a “Thought a Day” journal. So many of my entries in 2016 focused on my drinking, my subsequent weight gain, single-parenting, or my ex. I was miserable.

July 20, 2016
Tonight I drank an entire bottle of Vinho Verde and another 1.5 glasses of red. When am I going to stop this post-divorce downward spiral? I took 2 days off from drinking last week and felt great about it.

Yes, 2 days off from drinking was a big deal to me. I had been drinking daily for 25 years… even when sick, exhausted, hungover. It didn’t matter what was going on; I always had my wine.

2016 is when I began to dip my toes into abstaining. It was a relief to find that I had no withdrawal symptoms. Yay! That meant I wasn’t an alcoholic, right? Whew, I could keep on drinking. And I would, to excess… But the journal entries continued, as did the guilt, internal shame, constant arguing with myself, and concerns about my health. I never expressed these feelings to anyone… not once. Occasionally I might say to a friend, “I drink too much” and they’d say “Me too” or “You’re going through a hard time; give yourself a break” and that would be the end of it. I’d use their response to justify continuing. Even my own doctor said, “You’ll stop when you’re ready”… and he was right.

My experimental “dry” stints continued. I was testing the waters and, though I didn’t realize it, prepping for the real thing. But in between each of these stints, my alcohol intake was increasing. My tolerance had become higher so it took more alcohol to get the buzz I liked. I also tried “cutting back” – but never got anywhere with that. It’s like I’d reached a point of no return. I suppose I could have cut back, but it would have required a great deal of willpower, strength, angst, and brain space. What’s fun about that? It’s actually a real drag… Like being on a strict diet for the rest of your life. The more times I went without, be it for 1 day, 1 week, or 11 weeks, the more I realized it was far easier and more gratifying than monitoring my intake.

Can you relate to my experience? Are you giving thought to changing your drinking habits? I promise you, it is well-worth the effort (and I know it takes a lot of effort). My favorite word to describe how it feels to live life without alcohol is FREEDOM. I am in control and it feels amazing.

In my next post, I will go into more detail about how I got to where I am now.

To your health!

Fifty

Today, I turned 50. I celebrate this day in a way I never have before… with a newfound gratitude toward life since giving up alcohol over 4 months ago. I was a regular and heavy drinker for decades… alcohol played a hugely important role in my life. But over time, I realized it was beginning to take over my life, and that simply was not okay.

So, I stopped. (And started. And stopped. And started.) This time, for good. Much to my surprise, I have come to realize with each passing day just how great life can be without alcohol. When you drink regularly, alcohol becomes a crutch. But, I’m 50 now! The big 5-0. I don’t need a crutch! I am strong and wise and able to stand on my own two feet without numbing myself on a daily basis. We all are, regardless of our age.

I have learned through social media that the world is full of folks like me. Folks who are perhaps not physically dependent on alcohol but who feel an emotional need for it. Folks for whom the idea of going without is not only terrifying but completely undesirable. I was that person. Yet, here I am leading a happy, healthy, whole life all on my own without the need for alcohol. It’s not about willpower; it’s about no longer needing it… no longer desiring it. It’s about embracing this beautiful life with its ups AND its downs.

I never thought it possible, yet here I am. I am so thrilled with the benefits of going without alcohol that I want to share it with the world. I want to be a cheerleader telling anyone who will listen, “You CAN do this! You will not regret it and you WILL be happy! Keep at it!! I have faith in you!”

This blog is intended to be a place of joy. I have no intention of downplaying the struggle it can take to get here, but the goal is to make it to the ultimate destination: a joyful life without alcohol! I want to focus on that.

In health & wellness,