drinking – Empty Glass; Full Life

My Rocky Relationship with Alcohol, Part III

Looking back, I think the worst part and what I am most grateful to be rid of is the space alcohol occupied in my brain. When I began to realize I was consuming more than was healthy for me, I was constantly berating myself and making deals with myself.

When I created this blog, I wanted first and foremost to share with anyone who struggles with alcohol and dreads giving it up, that life without it is actually good; really good. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s better than without. But in order to share all the good, I thought it wise to share the bad… as in, what led me to this point.

In previous posts, I already covered my early drinking days and what initially drove me to become a heavy consumer…then what happened after my intake began to increase (higher tolerance, food bingeing, weight gain). Looking back, I think the worst part and what I am most grateful to be rid of is the space alcohol occupied in my brain. When I began to realize I was consuming more than was healthy for me, I was constantly berating myself and making deals with myself. “I won’t drink tonight.” “I’ll only have 1 glass tonight.” “I’ll try drinking only on weekends.” And on and on and on. That in itself took up loads of time and energy. But on top of that, there were the questions of what time I would start, what I would drink, what to buy, how much to buy. If I knew If I was going to a friend’s house, should I bring wine? What would be a reasonable amount to drink? If I was drinking around other people and there was only a little left in the bottle, would it be okay to finish it? If I finished my glass first, would it be okay to refill it? I didn’t want to outdrink my companions. It was exhausting.

Then there was the next morning: Why did I drink so much? Ugh, I said I wasn’t going to drink and I did! I can’t believe I had that last glass! I hate myself! I’m disgusted with myself!

Of course, there was also the inevitable question: Am I an alcoholic?

There was a lot of Googling the topic, self-tests, and ultimately patting myself on the back if I “wasn’t that bad” or if I read an article claiming a bottle of wine a day was fine (it’s not).

When you remove alcohol from your life, your mind is free and you are in control. Before I ever took a drink at the age of 18, I was a fun, silly, likable young woman, full of life. I remember being at parties in high school and being offered alcohol. I’d always think, “If I’m having this much fun without alcohol, why bother?” And I would decline. It wasn’t until college that curiosity got the best of me.

I feel like my old self again. I can have fun without alcohol. I can be the life of the party without alcohol. And best of all, I feel free from the grips of what I realize now was an addiction. I am so grateful and proud of myself for kicking the habit before it got the best of me in ways I shudder to imagine.

Until next time… I hope if you have read this and are struggling, you stick with me.

To your health!

My Rocky Relationship with Alcohol, Part II

In my last post, I talked about what led to my downfall at the bottom of a bottle. After about twenty years of daily drinking – but not quite heavy drinking – I began a downward spiral when my marriage ended in 2014 and I became a single mom to two young kids. The grief and stress were overwhelming and I turned to wine to ease the pain.

In my last post, I talked about what led to my downfall at the bottom of a bottle. After about twenty years of daily drinking – but not quite heavy drinking – I began a downward spiral when my marriage ended in 2014 and I became a single mom to two young kids. The grief and stress were overwhelming and I turned to wine to ease the pain.

Two years later I was hit by another whammy when, without warning, I was laid off from my job of eleven years. Not surprisingly, this turn of events messed with my self-esteem even further and my drinking shot to a new level. Thankfully, though I was home during the day for eight months while job-searching, I did not get into the habit of daytime drinking (I can only wonder where that would have led me). But come late afternoon, the wine was out and I hit it hard.

Have you ever been in “F*** it” mode? If you have, you know what I’m talking about. “F*** it, I’m going to eat 2 helpings of dessert.” “F*** it, I’m not going to shower today.” ” F*** it, I’m going to order wine with lunch,” “F*** it, I’m going to finish off this bottle of wine I just opened a couple of hours ago.” There are many things that can drive you to F*** it mode, and losing your husband and your job successively are two of them. Of course, not everyone turns to alcohol, but that was my vice.

While all of this was happening, I was gaining weight. I’d always been slim thanks to good genes, eating well, and exercising. Sure, I put on a few pounds in my late 30s as well as after each pregnancy, but I was still at a normal weight for my height. When my shape started to get rounder and rounder, I thought I knew exactly why. It was an easy scapegoat.

When my marriage was crumbling, I started taking an anti-anxiety medication. I had suffered from severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder my entire life, but never effectively addressed it. Since my anxiety was a factor in the demise of my marriage and since the demise of my marriage made my anxiety worse, I decided it was time. I had always shunned the idea of medication, but I knew without it I quite literally might not be able to function.

It helped, immensely. Still does! But it had a known side effect of weight gain. And sure enough, about six months later I noticed my weight gradually increasing. In fact, I wrote about it in a well-received article for the Huffington Post a few years ago. Yet, strangely, at the time, I didn’t consider the other obvious reason for my growing size: The fact that I was consuming roughly 650 calories a day in alcohol (minimum), and while doing so, bingeing on food. It wasn’t unusual at all for me to polish off a bottle of red and raid my kids’ Halloween candy or make some late-night nachos on any given evening. Alcohol gave me the munchies, big time. And my body suffered for it. By now, I was used to being in denial so I blamed it on the meds. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t been drinking at the time. A nominal weight increase, perhaps? I could have lived with that. But 50+ pounds was another story.

I’m realizing this blog is just as much a form of therapy for myself as it is a tool to share with others the joys of life without alcohol. It turns out, my background story is long, so it looks like there will be a Part III to this post. Stay tuned…

To your health!

Fifty

Today, I turned 50. I celebrate this day in a way I never have before… with a newfound gratitude toward life since giving up alcohol over 4 months ago. I was a regular and heavy drinker for decades… alcohol played a hugely important role in my life. But over time, I realized it was beginning to take over my life, and that simply was not okay.

So, I stopped. (And started. And stopped. And started.) This time, for good. Much to my surprise, I have come to realize with each passing day just how great life can be without alcohol. When you drink regularly, alcohol becomes a crutch. But, I’m 50 now! The big 5-0. I don’t need a crutch! I am strong and wise and able to stand on my own two feet without numbing myself on a daily basis. We all are, regardless of our age.

I have learned through social media that the world is full of folks like me. Folks who are perhaps not physically dependent on alcohol but who feel an emotional need for it. Folks for whom the idea of going without is not only terrifying but completely undesirable. I was that person. Yet, here I am leading a happy, healthy, whole life all on my own without the need for alcohol. It’s not about willpower; it’s about no longer needing it… no longer desiring it. It’s about embracing this beautiful life with its ups AND its downs.

I never thought it possible, yet here I am. I am so thrilled with the benefits of going without alcohol that I want to share it with the world. I want to be a cheerleader telling anyone who will listen, “You CAN do this! You will not regret it and you WILL be happy! Keep at it!! I have faith in you!”

This blog is intended to be a place of joy. I have no intention of downplaying the struggle it can take to get here, but the goal is to make it to the ultimate destination: a joyful life without alcohol! I want to focus on that.

In health & wellness,